There are certain moments in my life as a mother that stay in my mind forever. Little random moments, that to anyone else would be just another moment in time, nothing notable and nothing special, but that too me will be lodged in my memory forever. They are moments when i realise that something has changed, that an era has ended, that my child has lost or gained something that will change them forever. Something so very small and something that only a mother would ever probably notice.
Like this one time, when Tatiana was only a toddler. She could walk (just barely) and couldn't talk at all yet, and was just so little still. Adam and i had ordered pizza for ourselves (the kids had already had there dinner) and we sat down to eat it as the kids played beside us. Tatiana , without me noticing, had managed to grab a slice and was just about to stuff it into her mouth when i noticed. I quickly grabbed it from her (as it was covered in chili) with a gentle "no no no honey, thats not for you". She stood in silence for a split second, registering what had happened i think, before bursting into tears. And these tears were different. They were sad, heart-wrenching tears. She was devastated....over pizza ?? And then it hit me. She had just experienced her first sense of loss. That feeling of wanting something, working to get it (crawling and walking all the way over too us, reaching up and grabbing the pizza) , getting it, and then having it be taken away from her. She had gone from being a baby who had just happily had everything handed to her, to a toddler that did something herself and had it taken away.
She was growing up. Experiencing new feelings and emotions.
As soon as i realised this i felt so bad (those tears were really heart-wrenching) so i grabbed her a piece of non-chillied pizza and let her sit there and quite happily attempt to eat ( or rather...just make a mess with) her piece of pizza. But i realised that in that moment, something about her had changed. Something so small that most wouldn't notice at all. A part of her baby innocence has gone as she had experienced this new feeling and she was starting to become not so baby-ish and much more toddler-ish.
And on Saturday night just past, i had another of those moments, again with Tatiana. It was so small and so simple, just another moment. But a moment that changed everything...a moment that i know will be etched in my memory along with the rest. Up until this moment, i would describe Tatiana as being extremely shy, almost painfully shy. She is afraid to try new things, wont do anything in front of strangers...a trait which has always driven me crazy about her, so i try and be very patient with it. I don't like to push too hard, but at the same time i want to teach her not to be so afraid of everything. To try new things, to have fun and relax and just enjoy. So i will always gently urge her to give something a go, but will never force her. So on Saturday night, the company that i take my Modern Jive classes from had an Outdoor Dance party in Broadbeach. So basically, they did some free basic classes incorporated with lots of open dancing outdoors in the middle of Broadbeach. I took mum and the kids to have a look with the hopes of getting mum to have a go. As soon as mum realised it was outdoors for all to see (and there was a bit of a crowd) it was all over. She sat on a chair with bag in lap hiding away from any potential invitations to dance. During the beginners class bit, tatiana and i got up and had a go together (just beside where we were sitting, not actually as part of the class. I didn't want to disturb the real class, as it was all adults, no kids) . Now I'm not sure why i did this, maybe because i thought there was no chance of Tatiana EVER saying yes, but i asked her if she wanted to give it a real go and get in the class. Now the reaction i would have normally gotten would have been for her to freak out at just the thought, almost cry, back away and stop dancing all together. She didn't do that. She didn't say yes either. She just looked over at the class. So i walked her over (still waiting for the protesting to start) and partnered her up with a nice gentleman (still waiting for the NO NO NO!) and stepped back. And to my utter amazement....she started dancing! She started dancing with this man, really trying to get the moves down (and it's not an easy dance, let me tell you) and doing quite well. When it was time to rotate partners i was sure she'd realise what she'd done and come running over, but no....she rotated and danced with her new partner...and just kept going! And she was SMILING and having FUN!
And all of a sudden i realised....it was another of those moments, and in that moment she had grown just a little, she had gained just a little more confidence in her self, believed in her self just a little more, changed just a little... but just enough that she would never be the same again . That moment, those minutes where she danced and smiled and laughed and grew up just that little bit more, will be etched in my memory forever. I felt so many emotions in that moment, joy, pride, happiness, PRIDE, and a little bit of sadness too at the realisation that my baby was growing up so quickly. Too quickly. But mostly, i was proud of her...so very very proud. And to anyone else who witnessed that, it was just another moment, just a child having a bit of fun. But to me, it was a moment that changed both our lives forever...in such a small but extraordinary way.
I love you Berry-girl.
