You need a man to go shopping at Ikea

(this is a long post, but worth the read if you EVER plan to go shopping at IKEA)

Really, in fact, shopping at Ikea is something you need to really sit down and plan days before you actually go, not much unlike planning a small trip away. Anyone who has shopped, and i mean seriously shopped at Ikea will know what i am talking about. You see, most of our furniture is from Ikea. They could probably even use our house as an add for them. It's really quite sad considering my great love/hate relationship with that store. Love their stuff....hate everything else about them.

So back to the planning. I'll give you a few tips on how to successfully shop at Ikea. First you need a list. This you could probably start months before the actual trip. To start your list you will either need a catalouge or a computer ( I will give them this, they have an amazing on line site. You can even create your own combinations of storage solutions against your choice of wall colours and wall paper, and on your choice of flooring. Thats cool.) Now the reason i say you could start this months ahead is because ikea has such a great range of stuff, and their catalouge is so full of ideas that whether or not you plan to, you WILL eventually re-design your entire house (all in your head of course) with Ikea stuff. So before you know it days, even weeks have passed and your "to Buy' list is now 3 pages long. You will now need the next week or so to come back to reality and start shortening your list to what you really truly need right now. Which , if your anything like me, can be a real challenge because i think i really and truly need EVERYTHING on my 3 page list. After seeing all my items of choice displayed so cleverly in the Ikea catalouge, i really dont know how i can NOT have them.

Now dont forget in all this planning to take MEASUREMENTS. Sounds obvious , i know, but something so easily forgotten. So once you have you re-re -revised list ,  with measurements , you are ready....right? Wrong.

Next you need to plan what you are wearing for the day. Because although you think you will be in and out in under an hour.....you will not. Trust me. Comfortable shoes are a must. Then there's your other all important necessities... water (for hydration), snacks (for energy), money (for lunch...yes, you will still be there at lunch time. Rest assured their lunches are fairly cheap and they have quite a selection) and , most importantly, a MAN. Yes, trust me....you need a man. Unless YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE GYM-JUNKIE SUPER STRONG I-HAVE-MUSCLES-BIGGER-THAN-ANY-MAN-YOU-KNOW-kinda girl (sorry for the caps...that was an accident) you WILL need a man. Oh....and go to bed early the night before, as you will need your rest. Oh, and stop for a super-large take away real coffee. Trust me, you will need it. Ikea only has $1.50 push a button and my cappuccino comes out of a machine - coffee, and that will not get you through a shopping trip in that place.

Now, i could just imagine all the women out there going.....a man? What do i need to bring a man for? Pffft....i can go shopping without a man.....i do it all the time. I bought my couch without my husband and survived....and my washer.....

Yes, and i am sure you have bought all sorts of furniture without your man around and have lived to tell the tale. However , ikea is different . Really, trust me when i say, they may have great stuff, fantastic and inspiring displays, and lots of other great little buys,. But the one thing they DO NOT have , at all, in any way shape or form, is service. And i literally mean no service. They greet you at the bottom of the escalators at the entrance of the store with a pencil and paper, for writing down the location of all the things you want to purchase, and that is pretty much the last time you see a sales person until you get to the register. They are there, however, in plentiful amounts, to take your money from you. Everyonce in awhile, during your shopping trip, you will come across a salesperson. But he /she will be trailed by about 30 other customers desperate for some sales service. Otherwise you are on your own. You and your man.

And now you are saying....so? I still dont get why i need a man.

OK...well let me just tell you a little story about a woman (me) who thought she could go shopping at Ikea without a man (after all, I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR....right?)

So i get there with my well planned list and my coffee and i start. I am on a mission. I know what i want and will not deter from the list. Oh....but how cute is that basket? THAT wasn't in the catalouge. If it WAS in the catalouge it would be on my list. (in the plastic carry bag it goes it goes).

One and a half hours later i have ditched the plastic carry bag for a trolley and have still not gotten anything on my list. I have however written down the location of everything i want on my little paper (you have to go the the "warehouse" and get your furniture yourself. I was serious when i said NO SERVICE AT ALL). I get to the warehouse and realise i need another trolley to put my furniture in. No probs, i can push 2 trolleys. ( I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR ! ).

OK, i find the first bookshelf i need. I start to pull it in it's flat-packed box, from the shelf. Shit. F$@#. This thing is heavy! I check the tag to make sure i am getting a book shelf and not a flat-packed house. Yep, it's just a bookshelf. OK....i can do this (I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR?) 15 minutes go by and i am sweating and panting, but the bookshelf still hasn't moved. (I AM WOMAN....hear me beg for help).

Finally some kind man comes to my aide and together we get the bookshelves on the trolley. Luckily the rest of the furniture is not as heavy and i manage to get all the rest on my own, but not without much difficulty (more swearing than i'd like to admit) and many a sympathetic glances, let me tell you. I then very carefully push my 2 trolleys over to the checkout so that the checkout chick can unload all my purchases just so that i can the load them all back in.....again. And for this pleasure i pay a good $700 and a bit.

OK....i am almost there. Just get to the car, get my stuff in the car, and i am on my way home! I will have been triumphant in my attempt to shop at Ikea without a man.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

ahhahahahahahahhahaha

ahahahahahaha

(sorry, just need to take a moment to laugh at my own stupidity)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

OK done.

So...i get out to the carpark with my 2 really heavy trolleys. My car is about 4 isles to my left. No probs. I push my trolley across a walkway and start heading towards my car. People are driving past me either shaking their heads or laughing. I pretend not to notice. Then all of a sudden, i realise that the carpark is built on a slant...only just a slight slant, but enough of one to make both of my trolleys start moving in the OPPOSITE direction of where i want them to go! (which, i might add, is also the direction of moving cars!). Gone are the sympathetic glances and chuckle, as they are replaced with frustrated drivers swerving away from the out-of-control woman with 2 shopping trolleys. Realising this 2 trolley thing isn't working i stop (right in everyones way, but i just physically CAN NOT move the 2 trolleys out of the way!) and pack everything into the one trolley....not an easy task. I ditch the other trolley and start moving again, only to realise that what i did not consider is that this one trolley is now twice as heavy and almost impossible for me to move it. It can, however , move itself and i spend the next 15 minutes following my trolley around as IT leads ME around the carpark (and FURTHER away from my car) whilst i desperately just try and stop it from careening straight into someone eles car. Finally i manage to get it to a full stop. I look around to see people walking past trying not to snicker at this amusing display of womanism (ha). I stand there for what feels like forever trying to look like i have a reason for stopping (checking my phone, pretend to be looking for my car keys) while i A.  figure out what i am going to do and B.  try not to cry. Finally this family (which includes in it a big strong man) walks up to a car not to far from me and starts unpacking their stuff. I swallow what little pride i have left and walk over to the man. I stutter and point to my trolley, and really didn't have to say much.

him: "let me guess, you need some help getting your trolley to your car?"

me: "yes please"

him: "no problems....wheres you car"

me: mumbling with utter embarrassment "about 6 aisles down" (remeber, the trolley took me further away)

him: chuckling "now how did you manage to get all the way here?

me: wishing the ground would just open up and take me away from this world! "please dont ask":

him "chuckle chuckle chuckle" and thinking...."silly little woman...what was she thinking coming here without a man?"

So after a long trip to my car and yes, he thankfully put it all in for me as well, and many a many THANKYOU SOOOOOOOOO much's from me, i was finally on my way home. A little defeated. OK.... totally defeated, exhausted and promising myself i would NEVER shop at Ikea again! (well, not without a man in tow, anyway).

So there you have it. My very embarrassing story of how i thought i could shop at IKEA withou a man. Trust me. Bring a man. They are good for something, lol.

Z

Comments

[Kelly Rodgers]

Oh Zina - that was hilarious and all too familiar. Except I went with a man - got the stuff to the car {after lots of swearing} and realised it wouldn't fit in {the roofracks ad is true}. So we had to take it all back upstairs {lots more swearing} and pay $100 extra to have it delivered. It was a quiet ride home with hubby {at least for me - he was still swearing}. A few days later we had it delivered and he gave up with putting the stuff together, so I did it. And broke it. My daughter is sleeping in a bunk bed held together with 3 screws not 4. And my son is sleeping in a bed with a missing shelf.
I've sworn off IKEA - except there's these really cute bookcases....

[Helen]

Hi, just came across your blog what a story!. I had a very similair experience recently which involved me , my mum, my 3 children aged 5 and under(including a new born in a pram)and my 2 trolleys of furniture and all those cool little "must haves cause they are so cheap!". I did actually get great service on the day I attended but it was still a mammoth effort. My mum and I didnt know whether to laugh or cry for most of the DAY (yes I was there nearly all day). Oh but i still love IKEA and I bet its worth it now the goodies are home. Their new catalogue is due in my letter box any day now and my mum is worried not to mention my husband who took 2 full days to put it all together!
Helen.

[wens]

Zina,
You are soooo funny, I knew it would be worth reading the whole story because your IKEA stories are so funny!! next time you are in adelaide visit ours, I have allways been able to find staff for questions!
Wens

[Jane]

Ikea- what a great story. I have one too! At my last visit, the cash register person charged me for all of my items but didn't send them down for me to pack. By this stage of my shopping trip I needed to go to the toilet (again) and get out of the store!! I arrived home 4 items short ($40 worth). Usually I would think stuff it,I couldn't be bothered going back but 2 Mother's Day presents were in there. After several phone calls with english-as-a-second-language speaking people, they finally allowed me to come all the way back to the store and let me pick up the items that I had paid for. Unfortunately for me the next day was SATURDAY; IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY AND THE CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE, DO NOT GO TO IKEA ON THE WEEKEND!!!! (captials intended for emphasis). While my darling husband entertained our 6mth old twins in the carpark, I 'ducked' into ikea. NOW, THERE IS NO PERSON ALIVE WHO COULD 'DUCK' INTO IKEA. Although I was told that my 4 items would be behind the service desk, the confused lady spent many minutes trying to work out 'this and that' so instead I offered to run (yes run!) through the store to grab the items and get out of there. 40 minutes later I arrived back at our car to find my puzzled looking husband asking "what took you so long?"
Jane
PS- I have a similar Freedom story too!

[mimi]

Could not have said it better !!
i am like you . i like the stuff there, well most of it anyway, but hate to shop there, the custumer service is CRAP.
loved your story though !!
Mimi
ps will we get an update on how to put the furniture together ! or will you get hubby to do that !!
oxo

[Tanya Reedy]

Fabulous! My eyes are watering!!

[debbie]

I've never been to an IKEA. The nearest one just opened and it's three hours from me. But, read your story and had a great laugh! So funny. Now I'm prepared, just in case I ever feel like driving three hours to torture myself!

[Jewels]

I'm so with you on this one. LOL

[Val]

This is so funny Zina, I love Ikea too and take hubby with me, but he don't half moan, because I always have to walk round twice in case I've missed something, the only bit he likes is lunch and the ice cream at the checkout.

Val

[pip]

I am a very big visualiser .... I could totally see you in the Ikea carpark .... and I could totally see myself doing the same thing. Very, very funny .... I hope that the bookshelf was worth it .... did you need a man to put it together???? Ikea seems to bring out a love/hate relationship in most people ... maybe one day you will be able to order online .... let's hope.
Pip

[Michelle Vass]

I made sure I had 15 min to sit down read this story before I started reading it cos I want to savour it and cos it must be funny! And I did and loved it .... it was HILARIOUS!!!! I had such a funny visual with the trolley running away from your car. :) :) Thanks for sharing. How's putting up the shelves going? ;)

[Debbie D]

Way funny Miss Z.
You could have let me know I would gladly have "Waited" patiently for you to EXIT the store after all your meanderings, ( he he ) and Video taped all this, we surley wouldve won BIG $$$$ BUCKS on Funny home videos, if its as funny as Im imagining it to be.
You funny little bugger, you such a Teenie Tiny thing, What were you thinking ?Busting ya gizzards for a bloomin bookshelf, Anyway hope your happy with it,.Did Adam laugh or cry when you got home.

[Susan (smiles1965) from Scrapboxx]

OMG that sounds exactly what would happen to me as well. I'm sorry you had all that stress but happy to know I'm not the only women who thinks she can cope without a man.

There have been plenty of times I've been shopping and bought too much and struggled to get it home alone.....lol

It's a shame IKEA don't have better customer service. I think I will write to them and complain. Every shop that size needs more staff on duty to help make our shopping trip not so stressfull.

Have a great week Zina and thanks for the laugh :)

[Bec]

Without sounding like a stalker I saw you at IKEA on Saturday (in the food hall) and you were looking pretty stressed then. Those flat packs are SUPER heavy! Great Story!

[fabienne]

well, this is me in your story.......
but let me tell you this: sometimes you bring a man with you and you end up with four trolleys (you know things that were not in the catalogue but end up in your blue plastic bags yes bags because there is obviously more than one bag at the end)!!! yes i've experienced this situation!!! and let me tell you it's even more embarassing when the stuff in the fourth trolley will absolutly not fit in your car!!!! and that you have to take everething back to the store...oupppsss

[Michelle]

You totally cracked me up with your story...and the funny thing is I can visualise every part of it, and sympathise with you, too. Ikea is definately a place to take your man!
Chelle Xx

[leslie]

LOL that is the funniest thing I have ever read because it is SO true. I never go to ikea without my husband because I know I could never get any of that stuff into my car without his help. The worst is when you buy something that doesn't quite fit in your car and you have to maneuver it so that it sits in between the passenger and driver seats and out the back window...

[Ali :o)]

Points duly noted, mate ;o) I *need* to get to IKEA to pick up a new coffee table... but with Liam not around right now - I'll take your advice and wait for my man to come home! I don't want to be trying to lift heavy boxes unassisted and find my way to the car with a wayward trolly - especially being preggers! LOL

Hope you're well!!!
Ali :o) xoxo

[Tash Allen]

you are too too funny!! hee, hee, hee! was thinking about going to Ikea for baby & organise-this-darn-house-before-baby-no-2-arrives-furniture, but point taken, WILL NOT do it without my man!! LOL :)

[LisaW]

Hi Zina, blog surfing led me to your site - thanks for the best laugh I have had in ages. I too decided I needed to have a scraproom refit, however I was silly enough to take two kids to Ikea along with my mum (who, let's face it, isn't much help). Not only did I have to load up the trolleys (the kids can't possibly sit in the same one) but get them back to the car only to find out that the shelves didn't quite fit in the car! Some quick manouvering of baby & toddler car seats, a quick trip back to Ikea for my son to go to the toilet and then back again to put the 60/40 split fold seat down and loading up the car! Never again without my hubby and definitely never again with kids!!! I may also invest in a trailer (lol). I so completely get it - Ikea - good in theory. Thank God their stuff is so great! Love the look of your new scraproom. LisaW

[Jules]

Oh Zina, I am wetting myself here!!! ROFLMAO!

Thanks for the IKEA Tips, I have been totally inspired and am looking at IKEA Online for a scraproom makeover, (Well thats after I convert our ensuite into my scraproom and convince hubby to agree to build a brand new ensuite out on our gorgeous exisiting bedroom verandah!!!) so I appreciate all the tips and advice!!!

xJules

[shawnnita]

I so feel for you, and can so relate!
I think it's great! :)

You go girl!

I wish I was close to an IKEA, man or no man. Even if I had to take it all home on the bus.

Picture that. :-O